I wanted to give a look at my 2024 from an angle unseen by most people, for people that may be dealing with similar things in their life. In 2022 I had a major manic episode and started on medication for bp1, this kept my screws on tight until January 2024, when the medicine didn't prevent psychosis. What started out as false memories gradually turned into audible/visual hallucinations that lasted 6 months out of the year. I was talking to people that weren't there, having lengthy back/forth conversations with fictionalized versions of real people I know and didn't know. An entire 50 year lifespan filling my thoughts and emotions with flashbacks to both amazing and horrible memories. It was a constant series of deja vu feelings and everything connecting together in the theater of my insane mind. Different articles of media wrapping up a solipsistic psychosis where anything I've read or seen came together in this tapestry.
The most prominent premise was a Truman Show delusion in which I thought my life was being broadcast for entertainment and I grew extremely paranoid about my computer/phone. It felt terrifying being in my apartment since I thought it was bugged, then I went home to my parents house to get away from "surveillance", but the delusion grew to the point where I thought my family was in on it and that they were trying to get brand deals by offering me different stuff to eat/drink. I started scribbling on the logos of boxes/containers thinking cameras were everywhere waiting for me to use a product, and watching TV for messages/information being sent to me. I thought the news was all fabricated but for some reason talk shows contained all the hints and riddles I needed to break out. The movie Drive-Away Dolls was being advertised and I almost thought about going on some mad-dash across the country to outrun whatever treadmill I was on, but thankfully I didn't go on that expedition.
Eventually I just got used to the paranoid delusions; they didn't go away but I've learned radical acceptance in different areas of my life, so I said fuckit I'll live in this reality TV hellscape with no privacy. Whatever situation I was in had no exit, and I figured I would surrender to win. I thought the hospital would be a safe point or at least be close to "the edge" and I could surf to shore that way; unfortunately I couldn't get admitted the first time I went, and so I went back home.
Things only escalated in May when I got flooded with false memories from 2022, adding to the backstory of how this "truman show" started. Along with these memories, I started hearing voices and experiencing deja-vu throughout the day; the deja vu turned into a narrative where I had superpowers and could broadcast my thoughts unwillingly. It felt like my mind was linked to my past brain and I could have conversations with people in the past from the present moment. Dr Manhattan type shit, minus blowing people up and being an uncaring douche. This quickly took over my life and it felt like every action/thought was predetermined, and my thoughts were like a current or stream that people could tap into. Memories were playing out like tapes and I just had to wait for them to finish, there were amazing and terrible images that felt as real as anything I had actually experienced.
I talked to my sponsor and psychiatrist about everything and they advised me to go back to the hospital, and thankfully this advice felt like a solution rather than a trap or anything malicious. I also switched from risperidone to loxapine, but unfortunately my condition resisted the medication and I thought it proved this wasn't all in my head. The hospital trip was unsuccessful, and I was back out again with my thoughts were still running wild.
The next cage I was trapped in involved Mars, interdimensional travel, and being the first inmate of a prison planet that used to be earth. I started documenting my different delusions and ideas down in journals, and I'm attaching some of these in here. There's a little tongue-in-cheekness with the food stains, but also just embarrassing trails of information strung together in my head.
This is what I took to the hospital to explain my "superhuman" condition.
Some of these are just about shit at the hospital, notes about coffee and how the drugs were affecting me
There's dozens of pages like this but I have a cap of 10 images for this blogpost.
Eventually the voices got so intense that I had to seek help again, and my psychiatrist recommended Clozapine and going back to grippy-sock jail. By the grace of god I was finally sane again and back on planet earth, able to distinguish real/fake memories and have a quiet mind.
If I could compare this psychosis to my manic episode, I'd say this was more lucid and less destructive thankfully, whereas the mania was like being in the passenger seat of a car driven by a madman. This whole circus ran from about January to August; longer than my mania but less destructive. The voices and visual hallucinations were amicable for the most part; I've heard from other people that have it a lot worse and more antagonistic. Nonetheless I took a toll on my family, harassed people that no longer wanted anything to do with me, and lost my apartment. I hope this finds someone out there going through similar shit, it's a lot lonelier when you think you're the only one who has a dysfunctional mind. You never know what people are going through and maybe this helps de-stigmatize mental illnesses for people that have only seen how media/news portrays bipolar/psychosis/schizophrenia/etc.
Now I know the warning signs for both conditions and can get ahead of them before things spiral out of control. I held a healthy amount of skepticism throughout this but the brain is extremely good at convincing you of whatever reality it sees fit. Nothing in particular triggered this, but now I have even more tools to navigate and escape the labyrinth.
Here's to 2025 being an awesome year where I can get more stuff done!!
Luis
I think it’s cool that you were able to share it. The stigma will never fade if everyone bottles it in. Gld you’re doing better dude